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The Lacking a Nearly Perfect Teammate Problem

Mary and I centered our lives around team work. We both came from team sport backgrounds and discovered nearly perfect teammates in each other. We identified problems in written and verbal exchanges and devised how each of us could apply our skill set to best solving each one together. We believed that if a problem is not addressed, it will get worse. Identifying and prioritizing problems is the first step.

The Lacking a Nearly Perfect Teammate Problem is underneath all the other quandaries now. Solutions have been ad hoc and temporary so far. I can’t recall chipping away at a puzzle for this long and not, at least, feeling like I was closer to a resolution.

Language is a not-nearly-perfect teammate. But it’s the tool God has given me to make the uncertainty into something real. Once I can grasp these dilemmas, I’ll write through them and hope that I can help someone else along the way.

God bless,
Jason

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Home?

Green heron, blue heron, swifts, geese and goslings, robins, flies, dogs big and small, friends, mallards, sparrows, and innumerable creatures we couldn’t name. The only thing that was odd not to see was a green-winged macaw named Rudy. We didn’t plan an adventure at Brandywine Park in Wilmington, but we got it.

This is why “home” education is an inadequate term. I couldn’t have identified half of those birds five years ago. I probably wouldn’t have even spotted some of them if I hadn’t shifted my perception of what education meant. It’s holistic for us. We sit down by a river for lunch and three mallards put on a courtship battle at our feet. We’ve got a day’s worth of lessons right there. Art in the surprisingly blue feathers of the female, Drama in the males’ struggle, Biology, Ecology…the boys’ questions turn to Sociology and Psychology. Forget lessons, a curriculum has waddled upon us!

Much of the base knowledge has come from books and learning in the home, but the excitement and application is there in the unexpectedness. And most of our birding knowledge has come from time in the field with experts of varying degrees. The green heron is a great example. We were at Ashland Nature Center and asked a naturalist about the interesting bird that was fishing along the Red Clay Creek. She told us it was a green heron, but there was disagreement among the Zerbeys so we did our follow-up research. Sure enough, this bird we hadn’t heard of, and is hardly green, was introduced to our world.

The journey for the right words continues…

God bless,
Jason

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Zerbey World

Mary and I didn’t discuss our children’s education until we had two of them. It seems absurd now that we spent so little time thinking about how we were guiding their development from the earliest stages to what was next.

I left my job as a proofreader/editor to care for our boys when the second was born and childcare expenses (+ gas + tolls + time away from family) became more than we would tolerate.

Over the next few months I made a Halloween costume, saw live music during lunch time, visited museums, and got to tell Mary a thousand stories about our days.

I didn’t regret it for one second. It was the first time that I felt like I was doing what I was born to do. Mary saw it too. We stopped talking about finding freelance work or what am I going to do “next”? We had to invent “next,” or so we thought.

We narrowed our focus to kindergarten and started with our own experiences, except for my first crush (I’ll never forget our student teacher, Ms. Austin), I had no idea what happened in that year.

Hold on. I remember the following summer. I did the math on my age difference with Ms. Austin and resolved I had the patience if she could find it. I also convinced my mom to help me write a letter to her. The first math and writing lessons I ever cared about were created by my own initiative. Ms. Austin wrote back, let me down easy, and showed me the power of knowledge. It wasn’t success that got me excited, but it was a taste of the adult world. I engaged with an adult outside the school system and took my chance like an equal.

That’s what I want for my boys. Not to subvert and battle the system like I had to, but to live outside of it. Not just taste the adult world, but live in it.

God bless,
Jason

 

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The Beautiful Gratitude

I married the greatest soccer manager, supporter, and cheerleader one could imagine. It started when I moved to Delaware and she helped me find a home with  Concord Soccer Association. I joined their adult co-rec team, Classics II, and got back to playing the same month our first son was born. Soccer was never too much, even when I took over managing as we had our second son. Mary more-than-ensured that soccer was a part of our lives. She brought our boys to games, did almost all of the managing paperwork, and listened to my endless recaps of games or plays she missed.

Mary didn’t have a whole lot of incentive to cultivate my love of the game. She came from a football coach dad and soccer got me into trouble while we were dating. We played and celebrated hard in those days and after being banned from a bar or two, a possible assault, and having a teammate throw up on her I don’t know how Mary thought soccer should stay in our lives. Again, her wisdom and patience saved me. Leading Classics II has been the greatest experience outside blood family I’ve had over the last ten years. They’ve become family. And not only these great folks, but the other teams I’ve been blessed to play with, the charity tournaments, the pickups, the opponents, and the other leaders I’ve gotten to watch and learn from, our soccer family is enormous and generous. From delivered meals, donations to the boys’ education fund, invitations to pro games, Bible studies, parties, and dinners to well wishes and prayers, our soccer family has embraced us and protected us.

Soccer has never been an “escape” for me, but more of a meditation. My mind is in a different mode on the field, but Mary and the boys are always there with me. As I glance over to see the boys playing while I play, I feel blessed that this isn’t some part of Daddy’s life that they didn’t know. I’m blessed that Mary inspired me to be a better player, leader, dad, and human. Her memory still inspires me and guides me in how to go about that.

After 30 years of playing I’ve got too many people to thank. Maybe you’re one of those people.

Thank you and God bless,
Jason

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Daffodils and Gratitude

Like so many things, I didn’t discover Winterthur until we had children. It started with a visit in 2013 and we were hooked from the start.

We joined directly and began discovering all the wonderful experiences and people that make up this magnificent estate. Terrific Tuesdays, Kids Grow, Time Traveler’s Tour, Wow Wee Ones, Touch-It Room, innumerable tram tours…yikes…there are too many things to list. And the programs are only possible because of an amazing staff and volunteer core. One thousand acres, a 175-room museum, and top-quality activities all through the year; it should take an army, but from our second visit we were seeing familiar faces. Our boys have made friends with tram drivers, gardeners, docents, member representatives, and a big wig or two. On Mary’s passing we received personal notes from volunteers and employees. Some attended her memorial. They’ve been a special part of our family.

The image above is from Mary’s last hike there. Carrying family, she did it every day and got to act out the role on this beautiful Second Saturday walk in January. We’re going to return for another special walk with Chris Strand this weekend. Fortunate for us (and many others), it’s also Daffodil Day. Celebrating spring and the new Follies garden displays, it’s the perfect way to discover, or rediscover, the wonder of Winterthur.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

God bless,
Jason

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The Personal Pronoun Problem

My name is Jason Zerbey. In my 39th year I found Jesus and lost my wife, Mary Zerbey.

We were home educating our 6- and 8-year-old boys. I was the lead educator and Mary supported us financially through her job, emotionally through her love, and spiritually through her spirit.

Now I’m trying to puzzle together our new life without her. She provided too much to replace, but more than we need to celebrate her legacy through our exploits.

I stopped drinking, but I still can’t speak clearly. “We” used to cover it all. No matter if I was on my own or in any temporal combination of Zerbeys, it was always, “We went here ,” “We did this,” “We decided that…” Everything was as a team. The Zerbey Three are still a team, but there’s now an “I” that has to show up.

I’m very much out of “I” practice.

With many blessings, we are surrounded by amazing communities here in Delaware and worldwide who are uplifting that “I.” Even so, I can’t decide whether they are “my boys” or “our boys.” Context seems to matter, but I have learned to listen to my heart more closely than I do the Chicago Manual of Style or Grammar Girl.

We Zerbey Three still feel Mary working in our lives. God has taken her body, but He’s left us her nearly boundless love. We’re on this new journey with Mary and for Mary.

So if you catch me using an awkward-sounding “we,” don’t worry, it’s not denial, it’s truth.

God bless,

Jason

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February Took My Mary, April Brought Back Poetry

Mary always wanted me to write her a poem.

I had hit a 12-man defense of writer’s block shortly before we met and was never able to work my way through it. I don’t know why I stopped writing or why I couldn’t start again. Maybe I got too practical, political, earthly. Or maybe the healing I found in poetry was now embodied in this beautiful spirit who was leading me into a fuller and healthier life.

The books of poetry, the journals, and the floppy disks of verse are still around, but I haven’t really shared that old passion with my children. Losing Mary has stripped me right down to all my weaknesses. The worst is when they seem like too much for me to overcome. The best is when I can take a breath and confront one.

As National Poetry Month, April used to be special for me. This April can feel like the cruelest at times, but God has placed poetry in front of me again and I won’t ignore it. My younger son picked up a book seemingly about dragons and it turned out to be about Matsuo Basho.  Then I ran into Jonathan Whitney at Delaware Art Museum and he encouraged me to attend a special music and poetry presentation at The Delaware Contemporary. It was a “say yes” moment and helped orient our lives in a healing direction.

The Twin Poets and Mélomanie were amazing and Jonathan was fierce on the box drum.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My boys sat for nearly two hours in the front row and really listened. The younger wanted to buy the Twin’s book of poetry, Our Work, Our Words and I quickly learned that it was specifically for the soccer and E-A-G-L-E-S–infused piece, “no time to study.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poetry is back in our lives and the timing is no coincidence. I don’t know if I’ll finally be able to write that poem for Mary, or if one of the boys will take up the task, but I do know that we’re missing a beautiful part of our lives and we’re trying to fill it with tangible and intangible creations of love. I expect a lot of that work to be done in words.

God bless,

Jason

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Knee Deep in Nature

To Delaware Nature Society,

You, your lands, and your programs have meant much to our family for a long time. There are too many properties, events, and adventures to list. Mary was with us every time she could be and I sent her pictures from each one of our visits without her. We had our most peaceful moments as a family while outside, discovering. We’re a very active bunch, but trekking with Mary and our boys helped teach me how to quiet down, slow down, and observe. I thought I was doing it to show them, but I ended up learning a lot about nature and myself.

It’s hard to conceive of a beautiful life without Mary. Even when I recognize beauty in the world I want to share it with someone who isn’t here.

But we will find peace and comfort outside. We’ll see Mary in the snowdrops, lambs, bird songs, still ponds, rolling streams, bunnies, and familiar faces of all the Nature Society’s lands.

Thank you and God bless,

Jason

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Your Corner

Two years ago, Delaware Art Museum started a new tradition with their Kids’ Corner by inviting an Artist-in-Residence family to design and revamp the space each year. The most exciting part of this plan was to involve all of the museum’s families to participate in the shaping of the kid-friendly area.

Delaware Art Museum was where I first envisioned how adventurous home education could be. I left my job and came home to take care of a three-month-old and a two-year-old while my wife, Mary, supported our family. She suggested the Museum and I ventured out on one of our earliest excursions. It was challenging, but it was also enlightening. We could spend most of the day in this venue that I thought was meant for adults. We could talk about paintings and sculptures, sit and read books in Kids’ Corner, or be a little more structured and attend the weekly (and fantastic) Glory of Stories program.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was, and still am, an absolute museum novice, but it didn’t matter. I quickly figured out that I didn’t have to be a “teacher” to my boys, I could learn alongside them and simply bring my excitement for knowledge acquisition.

This coming Sunday, families can come and feel that same excitement as the Museum unveils the newest incarnation of Kids’ Corner. You’ll be invited to participate in remaking the space and then visit all year and be able to say to your child, “You helped build this.”

God bless,

Jason

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Excuse Me, Is That an Aerialist in Your Gallery?

Last year we attended Woodmere Art Museum’s Circus and Storytelling Family Festival.

Thankfully, the event is returning this year on Sunday, April 8th, 12:00-4:00 pm.

Woodmere is a beautiful museum in Chestnut Hill, Pennsylvania. They have some exciting exhibitions on now and I would recommend a visit to any family on any day.

But! The Family Festival is extra special. Stiltwalkers, storytelling, and the exceedingly entertaining Little Circus.  Along with the Give & Take Jugglers, we’ve seen the Little Circus perform at Brandywine River Museum of Art and Longwood Gardens. The act is not to be missed and my boys always make sure to get a front row spot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spring is already getting busy, but this is one event you should make sure to get to.

Thanks and God bless,

Jason